Valentine’s Day- a tragedy until now

What do you think when people buy themselves Valentine’s Day presents? I used to think it was because that person was super lame. That it was like a flashing beacon telling everyone else around them that they were unlovable. That presents couldn’t be special unless someone else gave them to you…. right?…actually that would be a big fat NO.

Valentine’s Day needless to say has been one of my least favorite holidays since I was in elementary school and we all would make little Valentine’s Day cards but it would have to be one for each kid in the class. I always felt like I only got any because the teacher required the other kids to be nice. like ouf BIG OUF…

Fast forward a few years. I was in college, 21 years old and madly in love. I also happened to have recently undergone a surgery to remove a lump that wasn’t BAD but it was also concerning enough that the surgeon wanted to get me back under the knife ASAP to make sure all of the tissue with those markers were removed.

This is where the juicy stuff comes in. The night before I left college to go back home and have surgery (#2) This boy that I was madly in love with and had been dating for what seemed like a lifetime decided to break up with me by text message. I was beyond crushed. I flew home, had my surgery, discovered Kelly Clarkson’s song “Stronger” and made it my anthem. Got back to school and attempted to start studying again while still taking pain killers. But the moment that destroyed it all for the past decade for me was when he walked into the student center, sat down where I was studying and gave me Valentine’s Day candy and told me that he thought I deserved it.

What I have just described to you is a period in my life that I dated my first narcissist and damn he was good at his game.

That could be the end of this story. Boy I loved broke my heart, wrecked Valentine’s Day forever blah blah blah. But thankfully time actually can help heal your wounds.

This year a facebook ad popped up and it was for one of the many many monthly subscription boxes. I have never done one before because I always thought they were a waste of money. But this one was specifically marketed towards me as the target audience for sure, bravo marketing team! YOU WIN! I clicked it and signed up to give myself a Valentine’s Day gift this year. And honestly I am way more excited about this gift because of what it means to me and less about whatever arrives in that box.

Where I used to see someone sad and pathetic that couldn’t be loved by others, now I see someone who is in love with themself. I feel bad for younger me because I didn’t know how to love myself. I chased after boys to validate me and to give me self worth but it only led to tragedy, disappointment, grief and more self doubt.

So after a long ban on celebrating Valentine’s Day this year I’m getting myself a gift, I’m taking myself on a date and I’m going to remind myself of all of the reasons why I Love Me!

I hope that the love you have for yourself can grow stronger just like that Kelly Clarkson song. I hope that even if it is a small treasure, your favorite coffee or an amazing dinner that you treat yourself because you are an absolutely AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL and WORTHY human.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

-Tash

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